[ — ]

SP / STORE

Addition by invisible cart, payment by hyperdimensional coin, sent by tube (brown).

Instant delivery via chute port. Ten minutes by alien drone disguised as a mini cloud.

Smooths, portallics

Cards (smooth or portallic) are rectangular plates of grey, alien metal used for data storage and processing, communication, self-exploration, and transportation to Higher Realms.

To help integrate them into your life / zombie commune, they are sized to match your phone (please specify during checkout), though rather thinner at a mere 1mm. An alien-approved device of standard size will be supplied to the phoneless, to be returned upon receipt of your card(s). (Please don't attempt to power it on.)

Do you have a 1mm mouse pad to hand? Look at it from the side. That is the thickness of a card:

:

#

If not, close your eyes and imagine a 1mm mouse pad.

.

[HAHAHA] [!]

[HAHAHA] [!!]

Hahaha! Do you have a pair of… "John! Have you seen the scale?"… 8g chopsticks to hand? If so, pick them up. That is the weight of a typical card. Incredible.

(Note: the alien metal actually weighs nothing, pretty much, but is "injected with sushi" and its derivatives for a little reassuring heft. Please don't attempt to eat your cards! Delicious as they are. Your teeth will likely break. And almost certainly… your mind won't be able to handle those particular realms.)

Each card is cast in a liquid ceremony just for you (primarily by the aliens, but perhaps by you, should you be invited to a facility by catching an eye, winning a draw) and marked with a unique collection of alien code glyphs, which are activated by punching them with physical-non-physical holes using an [IN] [AND] [OUT] machine.

Smooths are unpunched, ready to accept your code.

Portallics come pre-punched, ready to transport you to some pretty wondrous dimensions (assuming you have an [IN] [AND] [OUT] machine to read them). Destination patterns and hotels may be selected during checkout, though bear in mind much is determined by your particular composition – your mind, your crystal core – and cannot be fully expressed in a general web description, even of the abstract variety.

Indeed, this is what is most beautiful about the cards. They are very much yours.

And so… we cannot be sued.

Sample portallic output over here.

^

[IN] [AND] [OUT] machine

Inspired by the flavoured-flavourless little grey cubes of… interesting texture beloved of coconut-cappuccinists and sysadmins/poet-screwists, this little (in desktop computer terms) grey cube serves as a basic introduction to the [IN] [AND] [OUT] processes involved in encoding/decoding the rectangular plates of grey, alien metal known as cards.

Had a thought? Made a sound? Physically-non-physically encode its non-physical essence into alien code glyphs using this sleek little cube.

[TRAVEL] : : : [2] the [SOURCE] of that [THOUGHT] and Know Yourself. Deliver it to a fellow machinist and meet up in new realities. Create a new life! Never die. For you are flying, when you leap from that building, having received an ill-timed postcard:

:

#

#

#

.

And your friend (lover, perhaps? just encode it ;) is flying beside you ! # # # # # # # # # # # # . . . . . . And you are laughing! Hahaha! Great!

Hooray for the aliens!

Hooray!

Hoorayyyy…

.

.

.

#

See a pattern that you like on the site? Simply purchase that portallic and enjoy a lifetime away – a thousand lifetimes, if you wish! – in a higher-dimensional hotel, decoding the most incredible club sandwich, fish and chips, in your never-ending suite, before wowing your fellow guests in the bar with your tan, blazing smile, "sushi-injection" party trick:

:

: —[######]

#

#

#

#

#

#

Your bed will never be empty, if you so desire…

.

[YUM]

[DELISH]

.

.

.

#

.

And but a moment has passed, when you return. So convenient!

So delish…

So delish…

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

. and serious stuff, too. Let's do our spreadsheets, to-do's, as delicious as that sandwich. Save the world! Win a prize with impossibly vast analysis. Catch the eye of the Prophet, perhaps, hit the lounge for such profound conversation.

Speak with mind, speak with light.

"There is dancing as well, if you like. Most exotic…"

.

Most [DELISH] [.]

Most [DELISH] [.]

.

.

.

#

And poignant stuff, too. Save the miniest mini moments of your treasured child's life – save them all, a constant flow – and [B###] with them again, when they've grown, and have come to despise you, pretty much.

.

[NOT] [DELISH] : [

[NOT] [DELISH] : [

.

.

.

And yet beautiful, beautiful . . . . . . # # # . . . . . . in love with an alien? Cool. Get their card, send them kisses. Place replies under your pillow and dream of entering into a being of light, yum…

Delish…

.

.

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

Or just send a hello to a friend!

!

#

#

#

.

.

.

And end up in bed…

.

.

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

.

.

All sounds pretty awesome, no?

[YES]

.

#

.

.

.

[YUM]

[DELISH]

.

.

.

#

But it's just the start…

.

[IN] [AND] [OUT]

.

.

.

#

For you see, this little cube is but a taste of the tech. There are far more advanced machines – far more real, far more flight, and the injections… – but they must, per the Prophet, be earned, not paid, lest the brain be overwhelmed by axon "shade", that is: discover the schematics and be a god!

Your bed will thank you…

^

Premium cards

For the discerning seeker.

Grey, alien metal bordered with an unsmudgeable, techno-magical silver birthed of condensed warp exhaust, aka spherical-cubic data streams with tetrahedral "candy".

[AND] [SHOVE] [LICK]

.

#

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

Premiums are cast in a more formal liquid ceremony than is employed for regular cards, the aliens looking especially fine in their shimmering-not-shimmering flowing-whites, filled with light, taking form to present rounded muscles, rounded tits. Lovely butts, yum yum yum…

Delish…

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

For any in the balconies. Visiting the ships.

And also for themselves, to be sure…

.

[YUM]

[DELISH]

.

.

.

.

.

.

[LICK]

.

.

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

$ 0.nine-seven-9-three-43 : .buttered_toast;

$ .buttered_toast;

;

#

#

#

.

.

.

Portallic (punched) cards are accompanied by an exquisitely patterned scroll to help guide your investigations : : : # # # # # # . . .

.

#

Rolled with crystal rods. Sealed with the gentle kiss of a very beautiful alien (your choice of gender(s)).

Lick lick lick…

.

.

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

And rise now : from the couch, whispering, "Yes… of course…", repositioning this precious text on display in your alien shrine, receiving visions of what's next. Fish and chips. Your next injection:

:

: —[######]

#

#

#

.

.

[############]

.

.

.

[############]

[############]

[############]

.

.

.

#

And smooths [R] so smooth – smoother than smooth… so so so…

.

.

.

.

.

.

#

.

. going [IN] [.]

.

. coming [OUT] [.]

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

The most satisfying action.

.

.

.

#

.

Futuristic sound.

Precursor to warp.

.

#

#

#

.

.

.

Precursor to [2] . . . . . .

Three…

.

.

.

.

.

.

Para'meesh IV…

.

.

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

And smooths can also be used as, eg, mini skis during the winter months.

[TODAY]

.

.

.

#

.

. . . . . . a frictionless commute to work, arriving on time, so energised. Become promoted! (But of course . . . . . . no guarantees, thus . . . . . . please don't sue.)

And they are rising! cheering your spreadsheets! your slides. That chart with the icosidodecahedron took their breath away, wow…

.

.

.

#

.

…may upgrade their cards with higher-polyhedral borders. The icosidodecahedron with antiprismatic sprinkles is particularly delish… ;)))

^

Contact card (mirror)

Personalised smooth allowing contact with your base from any with the appropriate [IN] [AND] [OUT] equipment. Where it all begins, and ends, according to alien legend. An essential addition to the seeker's toolkit.

Use the Smooth, Portallic app (the deviceless may use a postcard; brush your fingers, to express the forms; address it to 14 Para'meesh IV Square #4; drop it in the recycling – it'll get there) to transmit thought forms to the mothership. (Try lying on the couch, close your eyes, consider: "Who am I… who… what are my goals in life… what is my favourite breakfast…" Then think of the mothership and smile, touch your chest at the position of your heart / crystal core.) Upon arrival at a treatment facility, the forms are welcomed, filtered, kissed and distilled (and injected with grey, in the case of porridge, to make a gruel (more appetising than it sounds! do visit the cafeteria during your next tour)), then channelled to a liquid ceremony for casting into a unique arrangement of code marks on an alien plate, aka card.

These code marks are you, essentially, in multidimensional terms. Deliver them however you wish to the contacting party. They should do likewise, if they desire a response. Simply hitting "reply" doesn't work, unfortunately.

You require their inner code, establishing a special bond. As the porridge to the oat.

The porridge, to the gruel.

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

As the oat, to the raisin, to the almond milk, to the water (1:2:1 oats:milk:water), to the stove. To the salt, to the boil, to the simmer, to the stir. To the powder, bowl, squirt. The milk top-up.

[AND] [+] [TODAY]

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

To the yogurt which can't be named (strained (0% seems to work best)).

To the drizzles during consumption, golden yum…

.

.

.

#

.

[DELISH]

.

.

.

.

.

.

#

.

[AND] [+] [DELISH]

Delish…

.

.

.

#

They will then be added to your [IN] [AND] [OUT] address book, and in future you may simply hit "reply".

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

Since unlike a standard smooth, the contact card isn't inserted directly into an [IN] [AND] [OUT] machine, it may be framed and placed on a wall, if you wish, to impress a friend, or colleague, a pet, or just yourself. Pass it in the morning and smile, then prepare your porridge/gruel with a smile (particularly if you've self-premiumised with unsmudgeable, techno-magical silver, perhaps upgraded to the higher polyhedra – how special are you!).

.

How very delish…

[DELISH]

.

.

.

#

.

.

.

[AND] [+] [DELISH]

[ISH] [ISH]

Yum…

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

Duplicate cards may be ordered without going through the whole couch thing, should you be taken by an alien.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. (design)

.

.

.

#

.

. (motif)

.

.

.

#

Their insertion-free nature allows the use of non-alien-metallic materials, while preserving the marks of code.

.

#

#

#

.

Preserving the marks of you.

.

.

.

#

Codify your bathroom with card-style tile, and make it yours. Use alien-metallic plates as plates, and experience what it is to eat one's own brain. More appetising than it sounds! Or so we've heard…

[HAHAHA] [!]

.

.

.

#

Over ten billion code-friendly items! delivered in ≤ ten minutes. Rather large those interdimensional warehouses with physical chutes.

[HAHAHA] [!!]

.

#

.

Add a chute port to your office/residence, for instant delivery. And to enhance your Wi-Fi.

The initial contact must be a plate, for the liquid thing.

Liquid [LICK] [.]

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

For the ultimate self-exploration, consider the mirror of code, a life-size, alien-metallic version of your card (also self-premiumable / higher-polyhedrable – yum, delish…), customised to your shell, and adjusting over time, as necessary, using alien "magic".

.

[AND] [+] [WOW] [!]

[WOW] [!!!]

.

#

Don't worry about gaining weight, losing height, growing an extra arm, etc. The mirror is always there. The size is always right.

A pairing, during setup, to connect your shell. Many have called it "fun".

.

#

.

#

.

.

.

#

#

#

#

#

#

.

Complimentary attachment mechanism included.

.

.

.

#

Also serves as a chute port.

^

Chute port

Items in the store are stored (in potential) in the aliens' interdimensional warehouses, condensing into our physical reality by way of physical chutes. A chute port installed in your office or residence = [YES] = instant delivery from the sky = [YES] [,] and is required for porridge, gruel (and anything grey, pretty much, excluding sphere-, cube- and sphere-cube-dominant forms) to guarantee freshness of the molecules (warp-exhausted).

"But wouldn't it be pretty messy + weird + not very scalable + almost certainly illegal + not really instant, given the slide time from the sky, to have a physical slide thing / tube running from some flying warehouse or whatever into my residence = [YES] [?] Think of the spaghetti of tubes! Pretty fucked up for the birds etc, no?"

If the delivery chutes (rather than the condensation ones) were physical, [THEN] [THEN] [YES] [,] there'd be a mess, the birds would be kinda fucked, not to mention the drones / mini clouds. But they're not.

Well they are. But they're subtle. More energy, less sauce and ball.

.

[AND] [SHOVE] [LICK]

[AND] [SHOVE] [LICK]

.

#

#

#

.

After phasing into physicality on one of several giant intermediate flying barges – high, high in the sky, well away from any birds, planes, attentive to local spacecraft, and cloaked, along with the condensation apparatus, so as not to disturb the planet's daily operation, to not distract, freak out, to not upset anyone with a barge sensitivity (note: unlike the alien ships and warehouses, resting at interdimensional junctions and hence not quite "really here", the barges are "really here", just invisible) – products dematerialise (while remaining in this dimension; drone deliveries to the chuteless also remain, retaining their physicality, to be packaged into cloud format), before being blasted by a barge cannon through the subtle pasta network into a residential or office port, where they reform and land very gently with a futuristic sound. Delivery is instant, effectively, from initial condensation to final reformation. Indeed, with a little time-shifting magic, delivery is instant.

And so… we cannot be sued.

.

[HAHAHA] [!]

[HAHAHA] [!!]

.

#

#

#

.

The port can be installed anywhere, pretty much. It is, needless to say, invisible, and won't disturb your decor. Just tell the engineer where you'd like it, then make some tea. Please cover your eyes during installation if you're within three metres of the anchor. It only takes five seconds. Just listen for the beep (futuristic). The engineer will provide the scones, jam and cream (cyborgian).

As an added bonus, the chute port also dramatically enhances your Wi-Fi, though things will sadly revert to normal when the aliens eventually leave, at which point the port will self-seal, and go to sleep. No refunds, sorry – please don't sue. However: know that when the aliens return for an occasional review of our progress towards light-filled self-realisation, the port can easily be reactivated for a small fee. You may keep your eyes open during the ceremony as a thank you for your support.

To ensure continued smooth delivery and exceptional Wi-Fi, each chute port comes with a generous tub of lube. Your engineer will apply a healthy dose during installation, then demonstrate the procedure over tea. (The adventurous might try lube in place of cream. It's… quite the experience.) While it's unlikely the lube will ever run out (assuming it's only used for the port…), if it does, simply squeeze your lube of choice into the tub, twist the lid, close your eyes, count to five. Enjoy… ;)

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Delivery is a one-way affair. Please don't attempt to send anything back up the chute. Hyperdimensional coin used for payment should be sent via the complimentary payment tube (brown) available at your local alien information centre following a non-invasive rectal examination, to be attached to your chute port / toilet following the instructions in the silver guide.

Do [NOT] use the chute port for payment. Don't use it for anything, except delivery of alien products through the subtle pasta tubes.

Do [NOT] attempt to enter it! It's not even possible, really. Our species is far too small. Even our planet. Thanks!

^

Site membership

Deepen your connection to the aliens through a small monthly payment (first year in full, if you'd be so kind, to express the necessary commitment), plus enjoy the following alienotics:

^

Porridge, gruel, etc

Delish… food and drink, with an interdimensional twist. Porridge and gruel (and anything grey, pretty much, excluding sphere-, cube- and sphere-cube-dominant forms) require a chute port to guarantee freshness of the molecules (warp-exhausted). A toilet is advised for those new to alien spice.

Standard drone-cloud delivery is available for chute-free items. Those without a chute / away from their chute who wish to experience exhausted foodstuffs may do so at a flying food truck, where the full menu is available, much more than we can offer. Plus some secret, off-menu treats…

[LICK]

[DELISH]

.

.

.

#

Check the Smooth, Portallic app for truck locations; purchase crystal cores and shower them on nearby vehicles to encourage them towards your sector. The deviceless are invited to send a postcard to 14 Para'meesh IV Square #4 via their recycling bin with a description of their favourite gruel, their second-favourite meat (brain-free, if you'd be so kind; we wouldn't want the judges to get too excited! I kid…). Winners chosen each afternoon at 16:14 Time Zone 4. Listen for the victory horn and excited cries of alien children.

[TODAY]'s menu:

^

"And so… we cannot be sued" poster, T-shirt

Why clog up the site / spoil the beautiful, high-minded, self-realising vibe with legal disclaimer shit etc when you can stick it on a poster / T-shirt in a wall of hypercondensed alien text, continually reshaping according to the viewer's mind, crystal core, and covering every eventuality, from non-instant instant delivery to dewarpified Wi-Fi, GRUELling orgasm / non-orgasm, and sell it for hyperdimensional coin?

And we've done just that! :))) Consulting with the very best legal minds – both native and alien – who have assured us this approach is "totally okay", "totally [NOT] axon 'shade'".

And so… we cannot be sued.

.

[HAHAHA] [!]

[HAHAHA] [!!]

Hahaha! The poster comes framed with alien metal, if you'd like, with an optional techno-magical silver border, similar to premium cards. Higher-polyhedral borders are available for site members. Framed posters also serve as chute ports:

:

:

:

:

:

:

[COOL] [!]

The T-shirt is like nothing on the planet. For indeed… the material = [NOT] of this world = [PLANET] [#] [.] Modelled on the Prophet's shimmering-not-shimmering robe:

:

#

.

#

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

.

.

Be [TRANSFORMED] [!] by alien garb. With vanishing gut, lickable tits. Who can resist you! (Don't sue if someones resists you… please see the wall.)

And cool when it's hot, winter warm. Meditate while wearing your "And so… we cannot be sued" T-shirt and go deep, deep… connect with ancient aliens, wow…

.

.

[############]

.

.

.

[############]

[############]

[############]

.

.

.

#

And of course… no one will sue you for so doing, even if you fall asleep while meditating on your scooter, colliding with someone's shopping, breaking their eggs, revealing their porn magazine, yum…

.

.

.

#

#

#

.

And do [NOT] power it on.

Don't eat your cards.

Do not attempt to enter a chute port.

.

$ .buttered_toast;

Thanks!

^