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Abseenus is wise. Abseenus is the devil. Abseenus is that incredible ass from Sugar.


Abseenus is wise. Abseenus is the devil. Abseenus is that incredible ass from Sugar.






"Shh, it's okay. It's just a dream. Reach over to the bedside table and retrieve the shot glass of liquified ham sandwich you always have on hand. Good… there you go. Down it goes. I am assisting in the calming process for this third dream of the week, third night of the week. They're always the same, so you say. You never say. You always wake with a solid-as-a-rock rod, which I massage with a generous blob of ham sandwich lube, a more gelatinous variation which we also sell in our online store, supplementing my not-overly-impressive income as a Junior AIC Tour Guide = Massage (Centre #103), reporting to the Lick, she's gone missing, I'd apply, but I haven't touched the tip once, let alone twice, not to mention that naked dance thing, your income-one-day-perhaps – no, for sure! – as a POP Quest Designer. It's your dream. You can do this."

"I can do this… I love you… lick… What's that smell?"

"Your sweat. Remember? There is an element of ham. I can't explain it. Yes, you enjoy a daily sandwich or two. And yes, there are the shots, the lube. But none of our customers complain of the ham sweats."

"That's because…"


That's because none of them are injecting liquified ham sandwich into their reservoirs to perform a deep clean… as instructed by X3…



They merely "kill" Abseenus, in Dreams of Abseenus.

They may dream of Abseenus, the devil, that ass. But not of the Vogen. They would, in my quest. In the game, reimagined. This world, reimagined.

9-Vogen… 10-Vogen…


Dreams of Abseenus

Another night, another dream. More screams of these Vogens. There is a 9, it seems. The science is beyond me. A big deal, apparently. Something to do with "patternistic merge". Cool. The aliens are bringing us 10, apparently. Lol…

The aliens! Ha! People still believe that. Pretty genius, those Shniffers, gotta say!

The patient sleeps, now. I have taken care of the rod, wiped the juice. I have vacuumed up the fragrance and will use it to scent some product in the morning. Wherever it comes from, customers are loving it! The "noticeably richer ham and squish quality of late, particularly in the mug and T-shirt". Others speak approvingly of an extra tingle to the butter.

"Ham sandwich, babe?"

"Please. Also: love you."

Thank God for the store. I'm hardly moving. He's going nowhere. Here all day, at his desk, all plugged in, often rodded. He writes his quests, plays the game. Team X3. Doing okay there, at least. More than okay! Just hit High Priest Rank 4. Could he be part of the Inner Ring…

"I'd tell you… but I'd have to sacrifice you in one of our Death to the Leather rituals! :))) Gotta get with the hooded robe, yo! Also: love you."

"…sandwich, babe?"

These dreams seem so powerful, if so disturbing. If only we could harness what's behind them and channel it into the store – through some magical Shniff device, perhaps – who knows what irresistible ham sandwich-based products we could come up with! We'd have to filter out the disturbing stuff, of course, to ensure we maintained our 4.8 pig average rating.

There are ten rejections, now. 10.8. Another is coming, I know. It's always the same. Soft of rod, all passed out, an empty can, or five, of Ham Sandwich Beer. Empty bottle of Squish Vodka.

From: Tony Zoderbund

Subject: Re: Dreams of Abseenus (Vogen Style!)

Look kid, you've got talent. You've got juice. You've got… ham? But you can't be messing with Dreams! How many times I gotta tell ya? Everybody loves it. Everybody dreams. Average rating: 4.nine-seven-9-three-43 pumpkin spice lattes. Yum!


Like I told n-Vogen back in the day: "Thank you so, so much for bringing me into this enterprise. It's just amazing! I feel terrible for anyone who doesn't work here. I thought you were insane at first, I'll admit, what with the whole semi-legal psychedelic entrance into the heart of the (for now…) purely theoretical 10-Vogen molecule on the roof of the psychology department at Tetrahedron University thing. Also: Happy Birthday! I've written a quest just for you, inspired by your, frankly, god-like powers and connection to the Vogens. I call it… it…"

May Abseenus bless your soul!


Messing with Dreams… No way that'd ever fly! There's a whole exhibit devoted to it at the centre, almost as popular as the interdimensional bouncer plate. Bounce! Bounce! Abseenus. Abseenus. The "Abseenus = Huh??" T-shirts, flying off the shelves, inspiration for our own "Ham + Butter + Squish = Delish??". Of course Vogenomic wouldn't want to see it changed, and yet he persists with his Vogen-based redesign, pushing "Huh??" to the "Huh??????".

And yet… somehow, I love it, his quest. I… need it, when I read it, nonsense though it is. It's that something behind, something from the dreams. Between. Gotta channel it into the ham!

% you can't sleep, you're excited about the interaction of vogen and ham, even though you don't understand it. log in to the store's admin console and play around with some new designs for the "ham + butter + squish = delish??" t-shirt. maybe some alien shit? sure!