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GEMINOS / Genetic Test

geminOS is always an excellent experience, no matter the hardware. As we like to joke in team meetings, "Dunk geminOS in a bucket of shit, stab it, piss on it, kick it through an interquantum gate without inputting the pre-sequence code and running through the standard safety checklist – yes, you heard me: no protective bandages, no consumption of half an egg mayo sandwich with a mug of tea – and it'll still work twenty-two point two times better than anything from our 'competitors'!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

That said, for the ultimate, "Take me to the stars!" experience, we do recommend the very best Shniff hardware, plus a Level 5 variance in your genetic code, indicating the mental and physical traits required to handle such exquisite vibrations.

NOTE: A Level 5 variance doesn't guarantee entrance to the stars, nor do higher or lower ones exclude you. Whatever happens, you'll have an excellent time. But if you do happen to hit the magic number… yum…

ALSO: The genetic test has NOTHING AT ALL to do with identifying aliens among the natives, NOTHING AT ALL to do with suggesting the incredible powers which might be your birthright. That sort of profiling, those sorts of claims, are illegal, according to the latest regulations. The point of the test is merely to… merely to…

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Request a genetic test

While our "competitors" in the sequencing space charge hundreds of credits for far inferior tests, Shniff's analysis is 100% free, performed at your convenience at a virtual Shniff lab, with results generally available within an hour. Simply install the Shniff app on your device (Shniff or otherwise), navigate to the Test section, lick the orange dot and whisper, "Release me… release…" The power of our cloud will take care of the rest, the GEMINUS AI directing a full complement of servers, satellites and crystal rods in pursuit of the "True You".

Be advised that the licking places you in a sensitive state, during which the world may appear quite different, as if this is all some grand illusion, or you're a visitor from another world. For most, this experience (which lasts around twenty minutes) will be a pleasurable one, as if a weight has been lifted, and one is free at last. A few may find it slightly uncomfortable, as if one is being stroked on the back of the neck by a long, slightly moist finger / carrot dipped in oil.

In either case, while waiting for the results of your test to appear in the app, we recommend some light activity to settle your mind. A little yoga, a relaxing walk. Perhaps an episode of your favourite show while munching on carrot sticks with your choice of dip. Just try to avoid anything green – guacamole and the like. Also: no alien-related shows or anything with "Level 5" in the title. If you have any dice lying around, try not to have the "2" side exposed. Related: avoid staring at polyhedra and entering their deeper forms. We wouldn't want you opening a portal to another world!

At least… not yet.

Just kidding btw…

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How to read your test

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