geminOS is always an excellent experience, no matter the hardware. As we like to joke in team meetings: "Dunk geminOS in a bucket of green, with wobbly bits, slap it with roast beef, stab it with an n-dimensional rod (turned off, for extra 3), a triple squirt of barista cream (corrupted meatball flavour, with mini turd (chocolate stars need not apply)), that you will scream, for the elites, behind the wall, if you'd be so kind, prior to your blasting through an interquantum gate without inputting the pre-sequence code and running through the standard safety checklist, and you'll still work twenty-two.2 times better than anything from our 'competitors'!"
That said, for the ultimate, "Take me to the stars!" experience, we do recommend the very best Shniff hardware, plus a Level 5 variance in your genetic code, indicative of the traits which one requires to sail smoothly through such exquisite vibrations.
NOTE: A Level 5 variance doesn't guarantee entrance to the stars, nor do higher or lower ones exclude you. All of us are aliens. All of us will fly. The powers will emerge for us all, in time, encouraged by the fingers of the ones who once were gods, are our gods, will invade, slurp our brains, consume our flesh, before vomiting it in some sort of taint-evacuating, vegan-maintaining fertilising ritual. Just kidding…
But for now, until they come, in their lightships, with the map, if you do happen to hit the magic number… yum…
While our "competitors" in the sequencing space charge thousands of credits for far inferior tests, Shniff's analysis is 100% free, performed at your convenience in a cloud-based genetic lab, with results generally available within an hour (except for you red people…).
Simply install the Shniff app on your device / computer thing (Shniff or otherwise), ready some fiery mouthwash (for non-Shniff), navigate to the Test section and lick the yellow dot, wherever it appears, whether on screen, or on the surface of your Vodernach Machine; on something with touch, or not, alien sensors not required, the magic is in the app, and whisper, "Release me… release…" The power of our cloud will take care of the rest, the GEMINUS AI directing a full complement of servers, satellites and crystal-rodded lamp posts in pursuit of the True You, while your privacy is guaranteed, your data secured with unbreakable, alien-grade encryption which protects against the darkness of the underground caves, your demise by way of puddle.
Be advised that the licking places you in a sensitive state, during which the world may appear quite different, as if this is all some grand illusion, or you're a visitor from another world. For most, this experience – which lasts twenty-two.2 minutes – will be a pleasurable one, as if a weight has been lifted, and you are free at last. A few may find it slightly uncomfortable, as if one is being stroked on the back of the neck by a long, slightly moist finger. (Some, of course, may find this a delight, and that's absolutely fine. Just go with it. Enjoy…)
As you return from sensitivity and are awaiting your results, when the dot will turn green (unless… and it is red), we recommend some light activity to orient your mind. A little yoga, a relaxing walk. An episode of your favourite show. Just avoid anything with aliens. Also: anything with "Level 5" in the title.
"It's all about the variance. Lady."
Yes, of course…
Yes, of course!
"Another Alien Adventure?"
"Make it two."
"You got it!"
"Plus: if you wouldn't mind, stop checking out my tits. No offence. I understand there is interest in the native form. This could be considerable, given your own true shape, your own experience with interstellar travel, and so on. With galaxies. Dimensions. But it's distracting. Disgusting. You're a slob of a man, your shell. This is a slob of a bar, it stinks. But I like it that way. It helps me to concentrate. Away from all that white, clear. So much white! Clear! Such sterility. Modernity. You make a hell of a cocktail btw, gotta say. Also: if you'd create some sort of barrier around me. Radius: two stools. Physical, non-physical, I couldn't give less of a damn. I take it you've got some sort of tech in the back which could facilitate such a thing? Some bubble projector or whatever?"
"Look, I'm excited as fuck to have met you. Really. But right now, there's work to be done. Orbic shit. It's only been a week, but everything has changed! We'll announce it soon enough. But then… you already know all about it, don't you? ;)"
The bubble had arrived. He would stare, fiercely, at invading patrons while slicing lemons in a supposedly threatening manner. He looked like a fool, but it worked. He seemed proud.
Radius: five stools.
Could've hinted at the fingers. Could've hinted at the slurp. I was an idiot, then, relatively. Also: a Shniff. Kind of a bitch. But my mind: being prepared.
And my father hadn't gone yet, hadn't given himself to the Orb, in order to save us all. To accelerate our evolution to near-impossible extremes!
But to be dying in the process…
From the lemon, to the sphere, to the bubble around me.
"This is good… good tech… don't be sad… baby… I'm okay… Could use some cake, however… yum… and I cough… speaking of: Let's hope they don't intend to slurp our brains away, eh! And oh… I have a vision of – if you'll pardon – some sort of vomit-based fertilising ritual, fuck me… And I sneeze! Nothing to worry about, I'm sure :) Also: the Orb has just informed me: your name is really— HNGHHH!!"
From the lemon, to the sphere, to the bubble around me.
This "barman" was right. It was all about the variance. Lady. It was all about presenting the data in a way even a slob could understand, while pushing them to another level.
To become more alien, more out of this world… and yet still grounded, yes…
"Alien Adventure x 2 for the lady with the laptop, tablet, phone – perhaps these could all be combined somehow, hm? – the corporate exec suit which does little to conceal her… Excuse me. Extra lemon on the side?"
"No. Go away. You will be going away, went away, and were never here, etc. Right. Make it: Radius: two stools. Five."
There would be no "Er…" this time.
What was happening to my mind… is… would be a look… indecipherable. This being was ancient and wise, my God!
I wasn't in pain. Peripheral waves. No desire for cake.
Outside of the standard lust.
There would be ice cubes – cube – prior to conversion to crushed death, giving life. Giving five. Hey, we're getting somewhere!
"Look, go away, okay? AKA fuck off. No offence. I'm trying to think here. Trying to… become an alien! Ha!" …darling little alien, my child of the stars… never let them analyse your genetic code, okay? Also: any update on the cake? "Maybe shove your lengthy digits up your ass, or whatever. Maybe shove them in that ridiculous retro jukebox and use some craaazy techno-magic to awaken it from its long, decorative slumber. Imagine that!"
Back to the "Er…", eh… interesting. I was confusing its circuits, or whatever. Not as wise as I thought!
Or perhaps… impossibly wise. And meanwhile, I was—
Crystal dust [ON] the rim [OF] this planet… sparkling trail from the warp drive [SLASH] interdimensional portal, yes…
"JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FAUX NATIVE FUCK ME!!"
"Five spheres, with a couple of cubes, to start, I'd recommend," he winked, while… floating, I guess you'd call it, towards the jukebox. I never saw him again. I was… floating, in a bubble, in space, observing this world. I wasn't afraid. I understood now that we were the children of ancient aliens. Cool!
And I was becoming less of a bitch. Still was a Shniff, at least for a bit. Being prepared. Thinking of this:
"I breathe life on you, from this bubble. Have a great day, everyone. Prior to conversion to crushed death."
Your data is presented in the manner of cubes, spheres. A tetrahedron, from time to time. Higher solids, if you have the dice. But the lowers are all you need, tbh. And indeed… three… there is nothing lower about them.
Think about it. Think. Close your eyes, whisper, "Release me… release…" Lick your lips, if the mood takes you. Open your eyes, when the time is right. Look at a wall, blank. See the shapes – move – see them slide into position.
Refer to the patterns in the app to determine your variance. Be honest! Don't force it. If there's an itchiness: you've forced it / lied. Pick whatever's closest, to your mind. Physical, non-physical. We encourage you to give a damn.
But don't overthink it! If you're stuck between patterns, pick whichever you like. It's just fine. Just mind the itch. Be less of a bitch. Or you can add them, then divide, round, up or down, as you wish, if required. Enjoy…
Also: Remember: while a Level 5 variance is advised, it isn't required, for the ultimate geminOS experience, or for receiving one's alien powers, which will come to us all, in time. And while flying is cool, it isn't worth being itchy from having forced it / lied, and likely falling out of the sky, to one's demise. (Please be sure to review the terms and conditions btw.)
Further: Whatever one's variance, we all have a name, after living with the shapes for a couple of days, as they continue to move, play. Eventually, they'll spell out your interdimensional name. Keep it safe. We don't know what it's for yet.
Also: If your variance is, say, three, take the third letter of your interdimensional name. This is your interdimensional initial, completing your name.
"But what if my variance is higher than my name is long?" you inquire, and then realise: Just cycle through the name again. Of course!
…never let them analyse your genetic code, okay? Also:
So, for example, you could become… are… will have been X Verexus with a Level 5 variance. Head to the store to order your interdimensional name tag in a variety of woods, metals, etc.