geminOS is always an excellent experience, no matter the hardware. As we like to joke in team meetings: "Dump geminOS in a bucket of shit, stab it, piss on it, kick it through an interquantum gate without inputting the pre-sequence code and running through the standard safety checklist, and it'll still work twenty-two point two times better than anything from our 'competitors'!"
That said, for the ultimate, "Take me to the stars!" experience, we do recommend the very best Shniff hardware, plus a Level 5 variance in your genetic code which would suggest the mental and physical traits required to handle such exquisite vibrations.
NOTE: A Level 5 variance doesn't guarantee entrance to the stars, nor do higher or lower ones exclude you. Whatever happens, you'll have an excellent time. But if you do happen to hit the magic number… yum…
While our "competitors" in the sequencing space charge thousands of credits for far inferior tests, Shniff's analysis is 100% free, performed at your convenience at a virtual Shniff lab, with results generally available within an hour. Simply install the Shniff app on your device (Shniff or otherwise), navigate to the Test section, lick the orange dot and whisper, "Release me… release…" The power of our cloud will take care of the rest, the GEMINUS AI directing a full complement of servers, satellites and crystal rods in pursuit of the "True You".
Be advised that the licking places you in a sensitive state, during which the world may appear quite different, as if this is all some grand illusion, or you're a visitor from another world. For most, this experience – which lasts around twenty minutes – will be a pleasurable one, as if a weight has been lifted, and one is free at last. A few may find it slightly uncomfortable, as if one is being stroked on the back of the neck by a long, slightly moist finger. (Some, of course, may find this a delight, and that's absolutely fine. Just go with it. Enjoy…)
While waiting for the results to appear in the app, we recommend some light activity to settle your mind. A little yoga, a relaxing walk. An episode of your favourite show. Just avoid anything with aliens. Also: nothing with "Level 5" in the title.
"It's all about the variance, baby!"
Yes, of course…
Yes, of course!
"Another Alien Adventure?"
"Make it two."
"You got it!"
"Plus… if you wouldn't mind, stop checking out my tits. No offence. I understand there is interest in the native form. This could be considerable, given your own true shape, your own experience with interstellar travel, and so on. With galaxies. Dimensions. But it's distracting. Disgusting. You're a slob of a man, your shell. This is a slob of a bar, it stinks. But I like it that way. I like to get away. It helps me to concentrate, away from all that white, clear. So much white! Clear! Such sterility. Modernity. All those decadent fish-based lunches with champagne shots and jelly-ball foams. The sexual favours, where required… and I gag… mini barf… You make a hell of a cocktail btw, gotta say. Also: if you'd create some sort of barrier around me, radius: two stools. Physical, non-physical, I couldn't give less of a damn. Look, I'm excited as fuck to have met you. Really. But right now, there's work to be done. Shniff Inc shit. Moving up the ranks. Favour-free, where possible. Becoming a Shniff. Integrating the Orb. I take it you've got some sort of technology in the back which could facilitate such a thing? Some sort of bubble projector or whatever?"
His "technology" being to stare, fiercely, at invading patrons while slicing lemons in a supposedly threatening manner. Could've hinted at the fingers, perhaps. "Deformed" visage. Lube 'em up! Imagine!
He looked like a fool, but it worked. He seemed proud. Radius: five stools. I was an idiot back then, relatively. Also: kind of a bitch, frankly. Good data for the mothership! And my father was young still, hadn't given himself to the Orb, in order to save us all. To accelerate our evolution to near-impossible extremes!
But to be dying in the process…
His protective shield would be enhanced by me, based on this bubble. A bubble which was yet to appear. Cube and sphere.
From the lemon, to the sphere, to the bubble around me. Him. Around us.
Let us heal, protect. Let us translocate this planet, yes…
"This is good… good tech… don't be sad… baby… Don't sleep with that idiot Pahsh… I'm okay… could use some cake… frosting… gets the aliens, though, gotta say… also: it isn't what you think— HNNGGHHHH!!!"
This "barman" was right… it was all about the variance. Baby. It was all about presenting the data in a way even a slob could understand, while pushing them to another level, namely:
And that is:
To become more alien, more out of this world. And yet still grounded, yes…
It isn't what you think…
"Double Alien Adventure for the lady with the laptop, tablet, phone, notepad, corporate exec suit which does little to conceal her… Excuse me. Extra lemon on the side?"
"No. Go away. You will be going away, went away, and were never here, etc. Right. Make it two."
Make it: Radius: two stools.
There would be no "Er…" this time. There would be a look… indecipherable. This being was ancient and wise, my God!
There would be ice cubes – cube – prior to conversion to crushed death, giving life. Giving five. Hey, we're getting somewhere!
"Look, go away, okay? AKA fuck off. No offence. I'm trying to think here. Trying to… become an alien! Ha!" …darling little alien, my child of the stars, never let them analyse your genetic code, okay? "Maybe shove your lubic digits up your ass, or whatever. Maybe shove them in that ridiculous retro jukebox and use some craaazy techno-magic to awaken it from its long, decorative slumber. Imagine that!"
Back to the "Er…", eh… interesting. I was confusing its circuits, or whatever. Not as wise as I thought!
Or perhaps… impossibly wise. And meanwhile, I was—
Crystal dust [ON] the rim [OF] this planet… sparkling trail from the warp drive / interdimensional portal, yes…
"JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FAUX NATIVE FUCK ME!!!"
"Five spheres, with a couple of cubes, to start, I'd recommend," he winked, while… floating, I guess you'd call it, towards the jukebox. I never saw him again. I was… floating in a bubble, in space, observing this world. I wasn't afraid. I understood now that we were the children of ancient aliens. Cool!
Also: I was becoming less of a bitch, already, and that felt nice. Right. No more favours would be required, just a little Pahsh. Sorry, Dad. He's an idiot, agreed, generally speaking. But no one knows Vanilla Emission like him. No one has such insight into the chocolate stars / mini turds. Almost certainly, I would need him for the dust.
"I breathe life on you, from this bubble. Have a great day, everyone, prior to conversion to crushed death."
Your data is presented in the manner of cubes, spheres. A tetrahedron, from time to time. Higher solids are in the store. But the lowers are all you need tbh. And indeed… three… there is nothing lower about them.
Think about it. Think. Close your eyes, whisper, "Release me… release…" Lick your lips, if the mood takes you. Open your eyes, when the time is right. Look at a wall, blank. See the shapes – move – see them slide into position.
Refer to the patterns in the app to determine your variance. Be honest! Don't force it. If there's an itchiness: you've forced it / lied. Pick whatever's closest, to your mind. Physical, non-physical, we encourage you to give a damn.
But don't overthink it! If you're in between, round down to the nearest integer. It must always be down – sorry! – even to the point of null. It's not worth even the exceptionally minor risk of a physical-non-physical split, from a slotting above your genes. (You have agreed to this in the terms and conditions btw.)
(Also: maybe take another look at Section 9 Subsection 9…)
Also: Remember: while a Level 5 variance is advised, it isn't required, for the ultimate geminOS experience. Be yourself. Trust the shapes. Learn to live with them, for a couple of days. Let them move, play. Eventually, they'll spell out your interdimensional name. Keep it safe. We don't know what it's for yet.
Finally: if your variance is, say, three, take the third letter of your interdimensional name. This is your interdimensional initial, completing your name. So, for example, you could become X Verexus with a Level 5 variance = WOW!! Head to the store to order your interdimensional name tag in a variety of woods, metals, etc.