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Oh riiight… that's brilliant! HNGHHH!!

— Soran Shniff

The Orb vs ORB

The (alien artefact) Orb was given to us. (The alienotic programming language with a native twist) ORB ("Oh riiight… that's brilliant!") is being created by us.

Except… that it is, really, being given to us, by the Orb, as the awakened waves which escape Soran Shniff's protective shield (without which Manor Shniff would have exploded by now (the planet itself would be okay, any explosions contained by strategically placed rhubarb / n-dimensional rod patches)) are passed through a digitising filtration mechanism (aka repurposed matter-generator detached from the Shniff Store network after it "broke down", that is: self-realised its position as a central node in the alienotic mesh and decided it wanted to do more for the cause, preferably something involving cheesecloth) and pumped into GEMINUS, which dines on cheese, experiences periods of intense bloating, that is: downloads pretty much everything publicly accessible on the web, plus a selection of private jellies, and gobbles it up. First programmed by us. Then programmed by it. It took life! As crystal rhubarb, techno-organic. The first code was released with a squirt of relieved electricity, plus – yes – a particular odour.

Cheese? Rhubarb? Jelly?




No. The soothing alien beverage called nectar tea, consumed during the ritual prior to the touching ritual. (A native interpretation is available at your local Shniff Juice Bar. Please don't operate a spaceship for at least two hours post consumption!)

Twenty-two.2 per cent of Shniff Cloud's processing capacity is devoted to uncovering the secrets of this ORB (any squirts are now de-odoured and used to cool the non-heat emitted by our data centres' Blue Vapour CPUs), a union of native tongues and the alien tongue, in programmatic form, the common language we will speak when they arrive in their lightships, which is being used to rewrite geminOS in the meantime, to write Shniffit, the interdimensional browser. To create prayers to be whispered between sips of nectar tea, and so to dream, so to excuse oneself from one's high efficiency at the workplace – one is a developer, perhaps, a codesmith, and though only dreaming of ORB, still writing native code, it is reorganising one's mind, retuning native code, click [AGREE] to submit your findings to the ORBalicious project, many thanks – and hurry down the corridor to the nearest squirt chamber.


ORB familiarity

Basic (tetrahedral) familiarity with ORB will eventually be given to us all as a gift from the Shniff satellite network, with crystal-rodded boosts, reconfiguring our brains just a touch for the coming invasion. That is… Mission of Love. We will perform the basic greetings, with ease, and in the meantime, our intelligence will be improved. (Fear not: the urge to rush to the nearest squirt chamber soon passes.)

It is likely this basic ORB will become a standard requirement of many forms of interaction, employment and joy in the coming months and years, and so: we encourage you not to check the "I do not wish to one day commune with aliens, healing all my wounds and delivering me to eternal bliss" box in geminOS settings. But it is there, as required by law.

For those ahead of the curve who wish to travel to the stars, we are currently offering alternative introductions to ORB as we get the satellites up to speed. Visit your local Shniff Store to have some tetrahedral-grade ORB juice injected into your reservoir. As always, guaranteed against leaks for 10,000 years. Plus: enjoy a complimentary pot of nectar tea while the pulses stabilise. (Try placing your order in ORB to fuck with the juice crew. They tell us they love it! :) For those uncomfortable with needles sliding into the brain, tetrahedral instruction is also available in the Shniff app using an intuitive drag-and-drop interface based on the latest lovemaking protocols.

Ambitious explorers who wish to advance into the higher familiarities should pick up a copy of the ORB Programming Manual. More work than drinking juice, but one tenth the price. Why not order ten copies and beam them out at your next orgy? Between moans, someone whispers: "Also: ORB can be studied as part of an alienotics degree. Roderick College and Tetrahedron University have excellent programmes. Now put the NOTperiscope down and pass the lovemaking rod, yum…"