[ — ]


"FAQ" as in "snack", eg Vanilla Emission ice cream with chocolate stars / mini turds.

System requirements

According to the system requirements, it would appear that for the ultimate geminOS experience, I will need not only an expensive next-next-gen+++ setup w/ high-end implant + the brain/brawn to defeat three waves of Shniff security in defense of the crystal rod, but also to consent to Shniff unlocking my (hopefully Level 5) genetic code. Is it so?

[ A ] : Regarding the code: yes, the test performed at your convenience and no expense at a virtual Shniff lab. Simply lick your device and whisper, "Release me… release…"

[ A ] : Regarding the experience: even the "shit tier" of using geminOS on one of our "competitors'" devices is excellent. Inferior, limited tech is boosted far beyond its normal capabilities, both through the OS and the magic of our interconnected cloud, powered by a global network of data centres (land-based, floating, hovering, and submerged), satellites, and a million rodded lamp posts.

And what about the counselling? Rumour has it the point of the test is to check for aliens hidden among the natives, whether awake or asleep, well-intentioned, or otherwise. For sleepers unaware of their true identity, this could be very traumatic!

[ A ] : Agreed, if one were indeed looking for aliens, which we're not, since that would run counter to regulations enacted following our hugely successful "Could it be…" marketing campaign which forbid, among other things, even the suggestion of inheritance of the incredible alien powers which are the birthright of as many as five per cent of us, according to my latest calculations. Not all of us! as I'd originally thought. But still… pretty good!

Five per cent, wow… could it be…

[ A ] : That said, if one were, for whatever reason, to interpret the results of one's genetic test as being alien-related and start getting some destabilising "Could it be…" vibes, simply extract the blank book of vouchers included with every next-next-gen+++ Shniff device, each valued at twenty-two point two credits, tear off as many as necessary, write "HELP ME! Please…" on each, and present to any therapist in the voucher scheme, all of whom have been vetted for sensitivity towards so-called alienotic delusion syndrome.

Very generous of you, Shniff Inc! Thanks!

However… with ten vouchers per book, that's a maximum… max… two… sorry, the brain's never quite worked right since a childhood incident… 222 credits for counselling. Hardly enough for one visit with a top-tier specialist!

[ A ] : For some, five minutes with an elite reader of mind might suffice. For others, a few visits to the "shit tier" would do the trick. The vouchers will get you there.

[ A ] : The point is: we're thinking of you. We care about our customers. Even if, of course, the test has nothing at all to do with aliens.

[ A ] : (The vouchers can also be used to treat any injuries suffered while defending the crystal rod btw.)

So if you're not looking for aliens, why the test?

[ A ] : Why?


[ A ] : Y…

[ A ] : 2…

[ A ] : 222…

You're really very beautiful… yum…


Replicate me, baby

Creating a geminOS account will also create a Shniff Cloud account, if I don't already have one.

[ A ] : That is correct. Shniff Cloud is required for a smooth geminOS experience, even at the "shit tier". Your toilet will thank you…

And so: account creation is confirmed with a [REPLICATE ME, BABY] button, instead of the usual [SURE], [OKAY], [GO FOR IT], [PUNCH IT], etc.

[ A ] : Incorrect. The [REPLICATE ME, BABY] button appears whether you have a Shniff Cloud account or not. (The "baby" is removed for those who have checked the "More formal experience, if you'd be so kind" box during setup, along with [SURE], [GO FOR IT] and [PUNCH IT].) But you already knew that, didn't you?

I must admit that I did…

[ A ] : For: what you're getting at, really, are reports from anonymous sources (aka our scared-shitless "competitors", with their tanking stocks and mountains of unsold, current-gen tech) that Shniff is using its tech to create an army of worker clones/slaves, totally under our control, living in damp, underground caves / half-star hotels, their systems reconfigured to subsist on an inexpensive green gel. And rising for their shifts, to be returned to their cave dwellings for a few hours of dribbling TV. A little table tennis, perhaps. An injection of gel, certainly, with the occasional liquified carrot treat. To be followed by the stasis which passes for sleep, and then to repeat… repeat… eventually to be, for those with Level 5 performance characteristics, inserted into the outside world, with orders to eradicate and replace the clicker/tapper of the [REPLICATE] button, the originals to be disposed of through a squirting of a certain green gel, with which their systems are wholly incompatible, that is: they will magically disappear, leaving not a trace, all part of preparing the way for an imminent alien invasion during which the yet unslaved will have their brains slurped away. And what the hell! Let's slurp the slaves as well. Our intergalactic toilet will thank us…

[ A ] : Is it so? Is this what you have in mind when you admit that "I must admit that I did…"?

I must admit that it is… Forgive me! I'm just so very fucking scared of getting my brain slurped away!!

[ A ] : Relax, friend. There will be no slurping on our watch. The only slurping going on is through the TV. Information techniques. There is a slurping which derives from the use of "shit tier" tech. Resist this fear! These dark strategies of our "competitors". Think.

[ A ] : Think about it. Think: How would Shniff be cloning their customers without the use of the tongue, the sort of (consensual) licking of the orange dot employed in the genetic test? The [REPLICATE] button is touched/clicked, not licked. And so: there are no slaves.

Through… touch? Through a touching of the screen? If a lick could do it – even a licking of "shit tier" glass when the Shniff app is run on a "competing" device – surely touching it could as well? The genetic code or whatever is transmitted to GEMINUS and the slaves are created in the caves!!

[ A ] : And the clickers?

The same! If a lick could do it, if a touch could do it, surely a clicking of the mouse or other pointing device would be sufficient to techno-magically populate the cave dwellings and disappear me through a squirting of green gel!!

[ A ] : And yet… no. A finger wouldn't do it, whether on mouse, or screen. Only the tongue transmits the code.

So you say!

[ A ] : And so it is.

[ A ] : Think about it.

[ A ] : Think: Why do we request a tongue for the test? Why must the dot be licked? Why does touching it – directly, or through the mouse – merely enter one into a weekly draw for a lifetime supply of fruit, subsequent touches activating that strange little game inspired by Roderick?










The touching ritual…

[ A ] : Yes.

"geminOS" as in "wash your socks", lest the aliens be disturbed by native taint during the touching ritual…

[ A ] : A ritual which belongs to them, a next-next-next-next-gen++++++ to the power of God knows how many +! exchange of data through the coming together of native and alien tips, with a little stroking along the way. The tongue provides a whisper, but otherwise stays out the way. The tongue was granted to us for the genetic test.

The touching ritual… yes… Touch belongs to them… There are no cave dwellings… I can touch my device, click my mouse, and life will carry on as normal… I will not be cloned… I will not be squirted with green gel… getting me out the way so that the aliens can invade and suck our brains…

[ A ] : You are safe.

I am safe…

I am safe! :)))

Buuut… what if I lick the [REPLICATE] button??

[ A ] : Try it! You won't try it again :) The orange dot has a delicious citrus taste. The [REPLICATE] button tastes like, if you'll pardon, horse shit, part of our commitment to data privacy.

Horse shit… okay… okay… I feel better! Replicate me, baby!!

But then… what does [REPLICATE] even do? If you're not creating slaves in the caves, pumping out tech and preparing for the invasion, what the – if you'll pardon – fuck are you up to? Why [REPLICATE] and not [CREATE] or [OKAY] or whatever when creating my geminOS account, even when I already have a Shniff Cloud account from, say, my investment in a smart Shniff juicer?

[ A ] : Because…

[ A ] : Because…




[ A ] : Because…




[ A ] : Replicate my joy of discovering geminOS!

[ A ] : Replicate it again… and again… that the experience is always fresh! New! Oh, I am so happy! :))) I just adore my smart juicer. There are no caves, no slaves. No gels. Touch belongs to the aliens, the tongue belongs to us. Repeat.

Touch belongs to the aliens, the tongue belongs to us…

Touch belongs to the aliens, the tongue belongs to us…