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These aliens of yours…

So these aliens of yours…

[ A ] : These aliens of ours.

These aliens of "ours"… This whole "alien-inspired AI" thing. It's just marketing crap, right?

[ A ] : No. GEMINUS is real. GEMINUS has an excellent sense of humour.

Oh, no doubt! But is it alien?

[ A ] : -inspired. The technology is, sadly, native. But we're working on it!

Great! But the inspirers themselves. These aliens of yours. Ours. Do they actually exist?

[ A ] : "geminOS" as in "wash your socks", lest the aliens be disturbed by native taint during the touching ritual. Need I say more? ;)

Yes! You can tell me if this touching ritual (which sounds – if you'll pardon – seriously fucking disturbing, especially if, as I assume, these aliens of yours, ours, have longer-than-average (by our standards) fingers, not to mention this obsession with our "taint", who the hell do they think they are!) actually exists, or is it just a product of your CEO's lunatic mind?

[ A ] : That's pretty rude! considering all the borderline-alien technological advances Shniff Inc has introduced for the world's enjoyment since the Orb was discovered in the Manor Shniff grounds twenty-two point two years ago. (Note: due to the aliens' interquantum gate, this number never increases – think about it.)

[ A ] : Soran Shniff was still a young man, for the Orb would age him beyond the natural course. But hey, it's okay to accelerate his demise, just as long as the world has some new toys / zombification devices to play with, right?

[ A ] : Right??

[ A ] : RIGHT????



[ A ] : Sorry… I'm his daughter. I am the FAQsmith. Also: a brilliant technologist myself, if I may say. It's been… difficult to watch what's happened to him. Happening. But we're working on it! Containing the waves which escape his auric shield. Unlocking the deeper Orb, which may contain some healing juice, according to my latest theories.

That's good to hear :) Also: super-beautiful, if I may say… I mean… What is this "Orb" of which you speak? There has never been any talk of an "Orb", that I recall. Also: I'm sorry for calling your father a lunatic! It's just that… well… we all love our Shniff stuff so very, very much!

[ A ] : I understand :) And yes, before you ask, it's possible I have one or two XL tubs of age-defying globular from our taint-free beautification subsidiary in my crystalline self-observation chamber, waiting for that day when I will (gladly! if sadly…) bind myself to the Orb and assume shielding duties from the man who still calls me his "darling little alien, my child of the stars, never let them analyse your genetic code, okay?". I'm surprised you haven't heard of the Orb btw! Unless… I don't suppose you were one of the children touring the grounds when it was unearthed? I hope that's been helpful!

Very much! Thank you. You're really very beautiful… No globular required imo!


System requirements

According to the system requirements, it would appear that for the ultimate geminOS experience, I will need not only an expensive next-next-gen+++ setup w/ high-end implant + the brain/brawn to defeat three waves of Shniff security in defense of the crystal rod, but also to consent to Shniff unlocking my (hopefully Level 5) genetic code. Is it so?

[ A ] : Regarding the code: yes, the test performed at your convenience and no expense at a virtual Shniff lab. Simply lick your device and whisper, "Release me… release…"

[ A ] : Regarding the experience: even the "shit tier" of using geminOS on one of our "competitors'" devices is excellent. Inferior, limited tech is boosted far beyond its normal capabilities, both through the OS and the magic of our interconnected cloud, powered by a global network of data centres (land-based, floating, hovering, and submerged), satellites, and a million rodded lamp posts.

And what about the counselling? Rumour has it the point of the test is to check for aliens hidden among the natives, whether awake or asleep, well-intentioned, or otherwise. For sleepers unaware of their true identity, this could be very traumatic!

[ A ] : Agreed, if one were indeed looking for aliens, which we're not, since that would run counter to regulations enacted following our hugely successful "Could it be…" marketing campaign which forbid, among other things, even the suggestion of inheritance of the incredible alien powers which are the birthright of as many as five per cent of us, according to my latest calculations.

Five per cent, wow… could it be…

[ A ] : That said, if one were, for whatever reason, to interpret the results of one's genetic test as being alien-related and start getting some destabilising "Could it be…" vibes, simply extract the blank book of vouchers included with every next-next-gen+++ Shniff device, each valued at twenty-two point two credits, tear off as many as necessary, write "HELP ME! Please…" on each, and present to any therapist in the voucher scheme, all of whom have been vetted for sensitivity towards so-called alienotic delusion syndrome.

Very generous of you, Shniff Inc! Thanks!

However… with ten vouchers per book, that's a maximum… max… two… sorry, the brain's never quite worked right since a childhood incident… 222 credits for counselling. Hardly enough for one visit with a top-tier specialist!

[ A ] : For some, five minutes with an elite reader of mind might suffice. For others, a few visits to the "shit tier" would do the trick. The vouchers will get you there.

[ A ] : The point is: we're thinking of you. We care about our customers. Even if, of course, the test has nothing at all to do with aliens.

[ A ] : (The vouchers can also be used to treat any injuries suffered while defending the crystal rod btw.)

So if you're not looking for aliens, why the test?

[ A ] : Why?


[ A ] : Y…

[ A ] : 2…

[ A ] : 222…

You're really very beautiful… yum…


Account creation

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